Archive for January 2009

hola

January 27, 2009

Well, I should be packing, but I need my house to warm up first. It’s freezing! The regular setting is not doing it tonight.

I head out of town tomorrow. I can’t wait to get to 73 degree weather. Such a nice reprieve from the freezing temps we’re experiencing right now. I hope all goes well, that it’s educational, and fun. I will be on my own for the most part and I hope I find some good adventures to get into in between work. If nothing else, maybe I can jump start my workout program, catch up on some reading, eat some good sushi, and see some great sights. It will be great to have time to focus on myself. Work will be time consuming, but I have a few windows of opportunity for relaxation. Heck, I might even try the hotel spa!

I haven’t been a good dieter at all. I haven’t had the focus for whatever reason. I will make up for it while I’m out of town. This week I’ll have lots of great options for food right at my finger tips. Next week, one of my good friends will be with me and we both have similar goals for weight loss and fitness. I also put exercise on both of our calendars to get us going when we get back in town. I think being over booked was the biggest problem. Next month I have a lot less going on and will have to remember to keep it that way.

I’m still single, not looking, but Facebook seems to be a man magnet. I have one guy who has progressed to calling and another who spends his days sending me pokes, lol. I am starting to understand men a lot more (not nearly enough, but more). I see now they are really driven by their attraction to a woman. The one who I talk to on the phone is pricing plane tickets to visit (without an invite, lol), talking about he’s heard we have good BBQ. Men will cut off their right hand for a taste of a woman. I now see. What I don’t see is how to get them past that blinding attraction to the point where they see me as special and more. How do you keep the spark going and keep them interested? One of life’s mysteries.

stress

January 23, 2009

I’m feeling stressed. As usual, I stepped in to help someone. I’m not stressed by that, but I am stressed because my house is not clean, I need to go shopping for my trip, and my weekend will not be mine as planned.

I am stressed and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate being in these situations where I feel like I’ve gone above and beyond to help someone else and I realize no one would do it for me. I’m saying these words to try to reduce my stress. How I wish life could be different sometimes.

8 by february?

January 22, 2009

Anyone notice the weight loss ticker to the right? 5 1/2 pounds down! I am doing it slowly but surely, averaging about 1 1/2 pounds or so per week. I am so ready to have this weight off of my body! It’s like I’ve taken a truth pill and all of a sudden I see things the way they really are and not the way I fool myself into believing.

Yesterday I saw myself in the mirror and saw the truth about my body. I’m overweight. While mentally I may believe I’m hiding it with my clothes or that my height allows me to mask it, the truth is that I have a huge tire around my middle and the rest of me is a puffy, overweight mess! I finally see the truth of who I am, so either this weight comes off or I have to accept the shortcomings of life as an overweight woman.

I’d rather put in the effort and be fabulous! I’m still aiming for 30 lbs by June. That’s only 5 lbs a month and if I can’t do that, I deserve to be overweight. I can’t wait to look at my body and see fitness and not weakness. This month, it’s just a tale of the scale, but every month, the weight is going to really start to reveal a new me and I can’t wait.

this is what i mean

January 22, 2009

This is what I mean when I say that the election of President Obama and the image of his family on television (both his wife and children, and his extended family) makes me feel like I’m no longer invisible. My whole life has been spent in a loving, nuclear family with a great extended family that loves and cares for one another. My father and mother have been married for 35 years. Both have advanced degrees and have always provided a loving, supportive home for my brother and me.

My cousins are managers, in fields most haven’t heard of, lol, teachers, lawyers and Ph.D.’s. 99.9% of us hold advanced degrees of some sort, and we are the third generation (at least) to do so. None of us have been to jail. None of us have children out of wedlock, but all of us feel the pressure of the past on us. Us girls can’t find husbands. The boys (now men, lol) are worn out by the way young women carry themselves. I don’t mean they don’t enjoy looking, lol, but my brother once told my Mother how glad he was that none of us had fallen into the stereotypes that plague our culture.

But those stereotypes are made truth when that’s all you see. Thankfully we had the foundation to protect us from them, but most kids don’t. Slavery technically ended in 1865. Jim Crow (especially for my family being from MS) laws were passed through about 1965. My grandmother was raised by a former slave. All of my family prior to my generation grew up during the Jim Crow era in the heart of its culture. Yet these are the people who in their own time and one generation later have managed to overcome all they have been taught about what they are capable of to raise the family that we have today.

I grew up one decade removed from being told I couldn’t eat at the same counter, drink from the same fountain…that I was not good enough, smart enough, or even human enough. Do you ever stop to think what that must be like? We have a way of believing that today is all that matters, that there is no cumulative effect from the past.

Even as supported as my life has been within my family, I have had times where I’ve had to mentally correct myself on thoughts that have crept into my mind about who I am, what I can achieve, or how I should live.

Seeing a new image of what my people can be and feeling exposed for what we are is an amazing thing. I’ve seen my co-workers looking at me a little too long these past few days and I wonder what are they thinking (I’m a black woman managing two teams that are majority white and older). My friend C. says she feels like white men speak to her and look her in the eye in ways that have never happened before. Our imagination? Maybe. Our psyche, probably. A reality? Perhaps. But even if it is just a little of either, it is a wonderful thing.

finally

January 20, 2009

Oh God! All day I’ve needed to let these tears of joy out, but couldn’t. It’s good to finally be home and let this day sit in my spirit and to have the tears of joy flow.

in the memory of all the saints…

January 20, 2009

God bless Rev. Lowery for bringing it full circle…

“Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen. Say Amen”

President Barack Obama

January 20, 2009

Words cannot express how I feel today as Barack Obama is sworn in as our 44th President. When he was announced as the winner in November, I felt pride, a sense of visibility…joy. Today I feel a kinship across generations with my fellow African Americans…not just black people, but those who have the experience of slavery, cotton fields, crowded inner cities, crime, discrimination, marginalization, segregation, fear, sadness, powerlessness, and brokeness because of the color of their skin in this country, in America.

I watched President Obama’s inauguration with my friends C. and F. Together we sat silently as we watched President Obama ever so nervously take the oath of office. We willed him to shine on this day in a way that only those who know, you sometimes only get one chance, if you get one. We rejoiced in his words that not only touched on the spirit and history of our country, but also the spirit of the people he represents, if only ever so slightly, if only because his skin is brown. His brief acknowledgement of segregation and the recognition that only a generation ago, I could not have eaten at the same counters or taken a drink from the same fountain because I was seen as less than made my heart sing. Because while in this moment we celebrate, we can not forget the depth of his election to office. Only in the worst of times could the best attributes of my people be allowed to shine, as they always have. I can’t help but think that in a better situation, Barack Obama might not have been considered. Yes, I have faith in my fellow man, but I’m from Mississippi. I hold no idealistic beliefs regarding how some see me or my people. I see the destruction of the past in my people every day and I know how we are interpreted by some.

Today I feel joyful that some one like me, with a family like mine shows the best of who my people are. I rejoice in the spirit that has swept this country. I celebrate the resilient American spirit. And I pray that I never experience my parents’ and grandparents’ dispair at the loss of a man only seeking to make the world better.