brain fog

I have so much on my mind that it seemed like a good time to blog to sort it all out.

First, the paint job.  My Dad and I painted my living room and kitchen yesterday.  Yes, 12 hours of painting.  My body is a wreck.  My system can’t handle extremes so towards the end of the day, I felt nausea, had a migraine, and just was exhausted.  My Dad, however, was in project mode and for the rest of the next day held us all hostage as he frittered around every detail to finish the job.  I appreciate it, but this focus is alienating, especially when I don’t get that kind of focus around things that are really important like my health.

Then there is the paint.  I have never painted before.  I’ve never picked a paint.  After weeks of stressing to the point of almost feeling sick, I just picked two colors…and they are beautiful colors, but not what I want.  *sigh*  The bright side is that I now know how to paint to perfection and after getting color on my starck white walls, I am excited about doing it again.  My next three day weekend just might be a paint project weekend.

Family.  I have a great family.  I just wish they, or someone, was there for me during the hard times.  They are silent on the hard times.  If there isn’t an action to be taken, there is nothing but silence.  It makes me want to be silent too.  There are plenty of people around for the fun.  Who is there when life is hard?  I wish I knew.

My home.  I know I have a beautiful home.  Still wish I could make it better.  I want to find the right paint color.  I want to replace the pantry door.  I want to put in a new counter top and back splash.  I want a new kitchen table and light fixtures.  I want to put in hardwood floors.  The problem is I don’t have the time or seemingly the style to do it.

Weight.  I’m fat, out of shape, and not getting any better.  I don’t know what to do.

I feel nausea and I’m crying because as hard as I try, it doesn’t get better.  And no one sees how hard this is.  They just keep asking me for things and I can’t take giving any more.  They get to go home to someone and I sit here alone.

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